It's been eight months now and I still don't feel a great deal different to how I did. I have started and then stopped seeing a counsellor, changed medication, injured my back again, seen Little Caron move to Sydney, thought about Mel and whether she thinks of me, started a full-time job, injured my back again, moved house and felt more lonely than I have in a while.
It hasn't been this bad for a while but I'd say that I feel like more of a disappointment to myself and everyone else than I have, maybe, ever. I don't treat Little Caron as well and I should and I definitely don't give Mel the respect that she deserves even though I have almost no contact with her since Caron moved away.
Little Caron has been begging me to write down the things that she tells me while I'm way down but I honestly just can't remember them. They do help me in the moment that she says them but I forget the words just as soon as I have taken in their meaning. I am trying to turn myself around and find some sort of self-respect through exercise, change of diet and seeking professional help again however I don't see a future for myself beyond the next few months.
I have planned to kill myself a number of times in the past months however I still see bits and pieces of short term hope that I can cling to. Some wise person told me that she believed a person wouldn't go through with suicide as long as they believe that just one person cares about them. I don't feel that I am there yet though as I keep driving Little Caron away, disrespecting Mel and disappointing everyone else I shouldn't be far away.
Suicide does definitely provide some comfort to me when I am down since it offers a way in which the future may not be a bleak as the present appears to be. That is probably the standard justification for suicidal thoughts but I guess it's worth noting.
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