Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
I'm stronger than I look
I met a girl, her name is Pearl.
I'm a man who can admit when I'm punching above my weight and a few days ago I stepped I gingerly pushed open the ropes and stepped into the ring against my very own Mike Tyson. We touched gloves, my new fresh leather crumpling lifelessly beneath the weight of his battle-hardened, blood-stained weapons. The bell rang and a wave of fear washed over me.
What am I doing here and why did I agree to this. My vision blurs as step forward. I am numb with terror, oblivious to the world around me and utterly lost as to my next move. I wait for the hammer to fall but it doesn't come. I step forward and clumsily extend an arm to Mike's enormous chin, connecting with anaemic force. Buoyed by this apparent success I land another shot on an implacable jaw then step back. The terror I felt fades for a moment then pours back again, what have I done?
Colour drains from my vision and I lock eyes with the beast across the ring. A bell sounds, I stumble backwards and sit down. My shoulders drop, eyes roll back and I fade into unconsciousness.
I probably won't win this fight. I probably won't win the next one either but I took this round and I'm still in the ring. I'm still a fighter for now.
I'm a man who can admit when I'm punching above my weight and a few days ago I stepped I gingerly pushed open the ropes and stepped into the ring against my very own Mike Tyson. We touched gloves, my new fresh leather crumpling lifelessly beneath the weight of his battle-hardened, blood-stained weapons. The bell rang and a wave of fear washed over me.
What am I doing here and why did I agree to this. My vision blurs as step forward. I am numb with terror, oblivious to the world around me and utterly lost as to my next move. I wait for the hammer to fall but it doesn't come. I step forward and clumsily extend an arm to Mike's enormous chin, connecting with anaemic force. Buoyed by this apparent success I land another shot on an implacable jaw then step back. The terror I felt fades for a moment then pours back again, what have I done?
Colour drains from my vision and I lock eyes with the beast across the ring. A bell sounds, I stumble backwards and sit down. My shoulders drop, eyes roll back and I fade into unconsciousness.
I probably won't win this fight. I probably won't win the next one either but I took this round and I'm still in the ring. I'm still a fighter for now.
Sunday, 8 January 2012
It's been a while
It's been eight months now and I still don't feel a great deal different to how I did. I have started and then stopped seeing a counsellor, changed medication, injured my back again, seen Little Caron move to Sydney, thought about Mel and whether she thinks of me, started a full-time job, injured my back again, moved house and felt more lonely than I have in a while.
It hasn't been this bad for a while but I'd say that I feel like more of a disappointment to myself and everyone else than I have, maybe, ever. I don't treat Little Caron as well and I should and I definitely don't give Mel the respect that she deserves even though I have almost no contact with her since Caron moved away.
Little Caron has been begging me to write down the things that she tells me while I'm way down but I honestly just can't remember them. They do help me in the moment that she says them but I forget the words just as soon as I have taken in their meaning. I am trying to turn myself around and find some sort of self-respect through exercise, change of diet and seeking professional help again however I don't see a future for myself beyond the next few months.
I have planned to kill myself a number of times in the past months however I still see bits and pieces of short term hope that I can cling to. Some wise person told me that she believed a person wouldn't go through with suicide as long as they believe that just one person cares about them. I don't feel that I am there yet though as I keep driving Little Caron away, disrespecting Mel and disappointing everyone else I shouldn't be far away.
Suicide does definitely provide some comfort to me when I am down since it offers a way in which the future may not be a bleak as the present appears to be. That is probably the standard justification for suicidal thoughts but I guess it's worth noting.
It hasn't been this bad for a while but I'd say that I feel like more of a disappointment to myself and everyone else than I have, maybe, ever. I don't treat Little Caron as well and I should and I definitely don't give Mel the respect that she deserves even though I have almost no contact with her since Caron moved away.
Little Caron has been begging me to write down the things that she tells me while I'm way down but I honestly just can't remember them. They do help me in the moment that she says them but I forget the words just as soon as I have taken in their meaning. I am trying to turn myself around and find some sort of self-respect through exercise, change of diet and seeking professional help again however I don't see a future for myself beyond the next few months.
I have planned to kill myself a number of times in the past months however I still see bits and pieces of short term hope that I can cling to. Some wise person told me that she believed a person wouldn't go through with suicide as long as they believe that just one person cares about them. I don't feel that I am there yet though as I keep driving Little Caron away, disrespecting Mel and disappointing everyone else I shouldn't be far away.
Suicide does definitely provide some comfort to me when I am down since it offers a way in which the future may not be a bleak as the present appears to be. That is probably the standard justification for suicidal thoughts but I guess it's worth noting.
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